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Rachel refuses to let herpes infect her spirit
Hi, my name is Rachel.* I am 19 years old. My life is just beginning. I am a sophomore in college; I have my entire future in front of me. I also have herpes.
It was
just 1 month ago that my entire life changed. I had been feeling run down,
tired, like I was getting a cold. I didn’t think much of it, it was
winter, and I always seem to catch whatever is going around. But I was
itchy 'down there,' and it was beginning to burn when I urinated. I told
my mom I thought I had a urinary tract infection so she sent me to my
family doctor. I came home with a three-day prescription for an antibiotic.
Although my mom reassured me I was going to be fine, I knew deep down
there was something wrong, something just didn’t feel right. That
night I examined myself, and to my horror found tiny red bumps all over
my vaginal region. They were so sore. I researched STDs on the Internet.
I knew a little bit about the herpesvirus and its symptoms. I was horrified
as I surfed page after page – I had every single symptom. I looked
at the pictures… they made me sick to my stomach. I was so scared.
The next
day I was in excruciating pain. I was so sick. I was running a high fever
and I could not urinate because of the pain. I told my mom there was something
very wrong and that I had to go to see my gynaecologist. It only took
him a moment to examine me… he knew at one glance what was causing
my extreme discomfort. He then confirmed my worst fear. I was a textbook
case of HSV-2. I bit my lip as hard as I could. A tear ran down my cheek.
That was the loneliest moment of my life. I looked at the doctor in complete
disbelief. So many questions ran through my mind, ‘How could this
happen to me? What am I going to do? How do I tell my mom? Can I ever
have sex again? How did I get it? Can I have children?’ My doctor
told me that herpes is very common, more than one would tend to think.
(He said some of my friends probably even have it.) He also told me that
it did not make me a bad person – that it can and does happen to
anyone.
The drive
home was horrible. Not only could I not sit comfortably, I knew I had
to tell my mom. I was sure she would be angry, instead she held me and
told me that everything would be okay. She has been my support through
my ordeal; she is the only other person who knows about my herpes besides
my doctor. She is angry, but not with me, instead she is angry with the
men in my life. She was very supportive and kept me relaxed and we could
even laugh at the comedy in the situation. I had to pee on ice cubes because
of the pain and I lost weight!
I say
‘men’ because I to this day am not sure how I contracted the
virus. I have been sexually active for a couple of years, but I had never
had intercourse until a month before my outbreak. I had since then ended
it with my partner and was dating someone else. I haven’t had the
courage to inquire from either of the two their complete sexual history,
and perhaps I never will. I recently ended it with the new guy too, not
because of the herpes, but simply because he was a jerk. Ha ha (we didn’t
have sex).
I think
that I am handling this with the grace, courage, and wisdom that only
God can give me. I thank him everyday that I am alive and healthy (for
the most part). I am scared, very scared of what the future holds for
me. There are still plenty of questions with no answers. But I know I
have a bright future, I know I can have a great career, fall in love,
get married, and have children. That is what is important to me. But there
isn’t a day that goes by that I am not reminded that I have herpes.
It is hard not to be when you are surrounded by vibrant young adults blossoming
with sexual curiosity. But I know my limits, I know that my intimate life
will be forever changed, I will never have a one night stand, or a relationship
that won’t start off with a hurdle. But when I think about it, maybe
this isn’t so bad. It is just one more obstacle that I have been
challenged with. It is something that has in its own way, made me a better
person. I can now understand and empathise with others in a new way. I
will be forced to only allow those deserving of my wonderful qualities
to have them, and I will never be intimate with someone that I do not
whole-heartedly love and trust.
It has
taken me all this time and then some, to make myself believe that I am
not defective aka ‘damaged goods’. I think the hardest part
of having the disease is learning to forgive yourself, reminding yourself
everyday that having herpes does not make you a bad person.
I went
to the gynaecologist yesterday for my annual Pap smear and check-up. He
asked me how I was doing and I surprised even myself when I naturally
smiled and said ‘wonderful!’ It was the truth. I am really doing
okay. I am learning about my disease and what I can do to help myself
physically and emotionally. There are some great Internet sites out there,
and I am still taking the time to explore them.
Like I
said, I am scared, very scared about my future. I have only ever had one
outbreak that I am aware of, and luckily I was at home at the time. I
go to school out of state, so what happens if I get sick at school? What
happens if someone finds out? Herpes carries such a stigma, that word
of it can be devastating.
I have no other choice but to go on living. There is no cure for herpes as of yet, but God willing there will be someday. I look forward to that day. Until then I will live my life the best I can. Herpes has infected my body, but I won’t let it infect my spirit.
*Rachel’s name has been changed, to protect her privacy.
Sebastien
Sebastien
Natalie
Jenny
Christine