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Mary* realises that if you really care for someone you aren’t doing yourself any favours if you don’t tell them you have herpes
I was diagnosed with herpes, 7 years ago, when I was 26. On becoming pregnant
I decided to be tested for STDs and was shocked when I was told I had
contracted herpes. The doctor who gave me the results counselled me. One
of the main things she picked up was my total lack of concern for whether
I had contracted the virus from my partner, whom I had been married to
for four years, or vice versa. To me it didn’t matter - it was now
a case of learning to live with it and making things as 'normal' as possible.
My husband went for tests, which confirmed what we already knew - he also
had the HSV-2 virus.
Over the following years we learnt to live with the virus. Fortunately
I had very mild symptoms, but my husband suffered terribly with frequent,
painful attacks. We put this down to the stress in his life but this was
something he felt he could not change. When we decided to separate in
1999 (nothing to do with the herpes) we managed to remain terrific friends.
It was hard leaving, knowing that we would both have to tell subsequent
partners about the virus. This was something that terrified me as I was
convinced that no one would want me.
Since separating I have always practised safe sex, but the idea of telling
someone I have the virus always stopped me taking a relationship to any
serious level and I would finish it before it got to that stage.
I met a man just under a year ago through a dating site on the Internet.
We were friends for a long time and then a few months ago decided to take
it further. He has always told me that it’s 'friends first'. He is
the most unjudgemental person I know. I knew in my heart that if I couldn’t
tell him then I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone. So, having almost
split up a number of times, I told him last Sunday. Having since read
lots of articles on how to tell partners, I now know that I did it all
wrong! It took ages for me to tell him and I’m sure by the end, he
thought I was trying to finish our relationship. I just couldn't get the
word 'herpes' out of my mouth. After lots of tears the whole story came
out - he was incredible. I think his words were 'is that it?' We talked
a lot about how it affected me, how it would affect us and, to cut a long
story short, he proved himself to be the kindest, sweetest man I think
I know. He wanted me to find him material to read so that he could support
me when things were horrible for me as well as to understand the implications
for himself. I found this site and he has read through the information.
I have learnt a lot from my 'friend' - I have learnt that if it’s
not the right person then it doesn’t feel right telling. If someone
truly cares about you they will accept that you have this illness and
be as concerned about the effect it has on you as the effect on them.
Most importantly if you really care about someone and want things to progress,
you are doing yourself a disservice if you don’t tell them - it is
nothing to be ashamed of.
I don’t know where this relationship will go, but I know that he
has taught me self respect, to appreciate the good things about myself
and that it’s alright to get close to someone and trust them - even
with something like this.
I remain very good friends with my ex-husband and we support each other
- he has been a rock for me also.
*Mary’s name has been
changed, to protect her privacy.
Sebastien
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