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Elliott* realises how vital it is to talk openly to your partner so you can cope together
Hello, my name is Elliott, and I'm 27 years old.
Recently my girlfriend asked if we could take some time off from our relationship,
and I respected her choice. I've accepted that there are a lot of things
in life that a person does not have control over, one of them is making
someone love you, they have to find that out on their own. She is very
bright, ambitious, and beautiful on the outside and even more breathtaking
on the inside. She is 22 years old, and has a lot of things on her mind,
just as I did when I was 22, having just graduated from college. Not to
mention she is far from her family, living in a new city with not many
contacts.
There is also another issue
– she and I are dealing with genital herpes. Unlike her I
did not have this to contend with when I was 22. We both have genital
herpes, but are dealing with it in different ways. This of course compounds
everything else she is already carrying on her shoulders. So I am very
aware that she needs time to herself. I love her very much, and I want
to respect her decision.
What has been, and is, very difficult to deal with
is that because of the genital herpes, and the fact that it really has
shaken her, she feels that I have made more of a negative impact on her
life than a positive one. Please, I want everyone to know that I'm not
looking for pity, or excuses, I know that she is feeling trapped, scared,
and isolated. It just hurts to know that the one special person I would
do anything for, feels that way. Knowing how tough it has to be for her,
I feel totally helpless about the fact that I can't be there for her,
because I'm seen as one of the major reasons she is so unhappy right now.
We found out around a month into our relationship
that she had contracted genital herpes. At this time we were maintaining
a long-distance relationship. Although the distance was an obstacle to
see each other, nothing could keep us from being together as often as
we could. I drove to see her immediately the day she called to tell me
that she had been to the doctor and was told she had genital herpes. My
heart was breaking when I heard her crying. I was, and am, very much in
love with this woman, and wanted her to know we were in this together,
all the way. I immediately started asking myself if I had seen or felt
anything awkward in the last year or two – no, I hadn't. She also
knew that she had not had any symptoms before we began our intimate relationship.
So we found out information on the disease and then examined our past.
We were pretty sure that I had contracted the genital herpes first. Her
past was not in question, I will tell you why.
What is really hard to explain is that there is
a catch 22 as I was not very good to myself for a couple of years prior
to this relationship. I had been with a woman for 4 years, and was ready
to ask her to marry me. However, in the fall of 1998 I found out that
she had been going behind my back, with a man I had introduced to her
as a friend several months earlier. In the two years that followed, I
felt like I had lost everything that made me feel good to be alive. So
I filled my emptiness with lots of liquor and poor decisions in the relationship
department. Time could only heal, and with God watching over me, and giving
me strength, I began to see the possibility of a new beginning. I stopped
using drink and sex, and started using faith, hope and confidence, so
that someday I might be able to love someone with all I had to give. The
catch 22 is that I had been hurting, was healed, and then found a wonderful
person to love, only to have a past, that I am accepting as entirely my
own fault, devastate the same person that had turned my life around.
I met my girlfriend about 6 months after my refreshed
outlook on life began. It happened when I was least expecting it. My plan
was to go slow, give myself a chance, and be picky. WOW, I fell so hard
the minute I met this girl, that I still have the bump on my head to prove
it. It was the best moment of my life, and we had only watched a cooking
show together.
After a month or so, we encountered our first genital
herpes. I gave her genital herpes, although I did not know I had it. It's
very unfair that she has to be affected by my past. What's also unfair
is that I never asked for it either, but unlike her, I have nobody to
blame. Who did I get it from? I don't know, I had never seen or felt any
thing out of the ordinary, so I would not have known. I also give blood
on a regular basis to the Red Cross, which can give a person a sigh of
relief when they accept your donation. But only now after living with
the disease, and reading about it, I know that a blood test is not going
to show you everything. In short I had never seen anything, but that's
the way the disease can work, it sleeps inside of you. From the onset
of the herpes she was the only one experiencing any symptoms.
In June, a month or so after her diagnosis, I went
to the doctor to get checked, and to talk about the disease. Nothing showed
up, my herpes was still dormant as far as symptoms. Around the 4th
July, I had my first visual and physical outbreak. In a very twisted way,
I was relieved, because I knew I had never seen or felt anything like
that before.
I knew my girlfriend was having a tough time with
genital herpes, with the mental and physical effects it was having on
our relationship. But I failed to realize, or was not told often enough,
that she was struggling with it every minute of every day, especially
when we were not together due to work or distance. Finally, coping with
the reality of having it, physically living with it, and loving and hating
the person that gave it to her, became too much.
Again, I'm 27 years old, and have genital herpes.
I love my girlfriend very much. She is an angel, and God knows that he
let one get away. Bad things happen to good people, and I know that I'm
a good person, although right now it's very hard to feel that way. As
for my girlfriend, where do I start? She's off the charts, she is priceless.
I fight off tears every time I read this part because it is so true. So
here we are, living with genital herpes, and dealing with it in our own
way. For me, from the beginning, I tried to remain upbeat and positive,
trying to look forward for us both, knowing that I, or we, can't change
the past. The one constant for me was really just knowing that she loved
me very much, which was very reassuring. She did not have the same positive
outlook as me. While I was so busy trying to keep us moving forward, I
made her feel left behind. Along with everything else on her plate, it
was, and is very hard for her. I know that the way I was handling the
situation probably made her feel as though I didn't care, or was trying
to forget that we had herpes. I know that in my heart this is not what
I was doing, but it may have seemed like that to her. I only hope that
time can heal our hearts, especially hers. I miss her a great deal, and
my heart is very heavy with a feeling of complete helplessness. But what
I would want her to know, is that if God gave me one chance at changing
any instance in my life, I would go back and undo that which has led to
this heartache. I never in my life could have imagined someone I love
so much, hurting so much, because of me.
I've quit drinking because I know that's a definite
reason for this situation occurring in the first place. I don't have a
problem with drinking now, but I did during a couple of very dark years.
In the end I was only destructive to the two people I needed to care for
the most, my partner that I love, and myself. I've also reached out to
a couple of local and international support websites that deal confidentially
with herpes. These have already been a great help in the short time that
I've been accessing them. I know that there are tens of millions of people
just in the US alone, dealing with HSV, and if just one person can relate
to my experience, know that they are not alone, and draw strength from
that, then this process has been good for me and that other person.
Well, what have I learned? Talk to your partner
about living with the disease, in good times and bad, because even though
you may have a perspective on the whole thing, your partner may not. You
don't want to leave the person you love and care about most in the world,
feeling scared and alone – I did, and now it's killing her and me.
Please talk to each another and share everything. Remember the disease
doesn't have you, you have the disease. Take control, be supportive and
understanding, above all, listen and don't interrupt your partner. You
can have a very fulfilling life and try to think everyday of the millions
of people that don't have genital herpes, but still are much worse off
in some other aspect of their life. Give thanks to God for the wonderful
things you do have in your life.
As for my girlfriend and I – I don't know.
I pray to God everyday that he is watching over her and giving her strength.
I don't know if we will ever get a chance to rebuild and rediscover the
good things that made us special, but I give thanks to God for the time
that I was with her, and the difference he let her make to my life. I
can only hope that this is part of a greater plan, which will allow us
to grow stronger. Each day I take one breath at a time and strive to make
myself a better person, knowing that it will make me stronger in the end,
whether I can love her or anyone else again.
One thing is sure, my girlfriend and I are living
with genital herpes, and apart because we were on different pages. When
she was trying to reach out, I wasn't listening, and when I was trying
to move us on, she couldn't move with me.
Thanks, Elliott
*Elliott’s name has been changed, to protect his privacy.
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